the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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