Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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