My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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