would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
