I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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