yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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