Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
