Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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