good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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