So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
