note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
