Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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