just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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