you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
