highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
