Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
NoShamevember. You game?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
