We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
