Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
