Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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