I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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