i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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