Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
