I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
