My room smells like vodka and shame
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
