Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize