WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
