Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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