Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
