Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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