so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
