Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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