mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
