I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
