It was confusing and full of hummus
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
