can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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