is your mom at the bar?
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
