I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I need to calm my uterus...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
