new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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