Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
