last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
