I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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