I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
