Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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