i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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