The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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