He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I need a burrito and a hug.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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