I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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