she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
