Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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