im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
