I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
being pregnant is like rehab
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
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I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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