your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
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The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to be your penis for a week.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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