Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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