i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
