and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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