I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
