he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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