If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
