fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
