How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
